Saturday, June 27, 2009

When One of you wants another Child


I have been sick trying to convince my husband that I want to have another child. He believes we do not have enough money, yet we are taking a vacation this year. I tell him we can work out a plan and then he tells me he feels too old and too tired to have another child. Before we married, he was the one who wanted another child. He would lay in bed with me and dream and tell me her name and how much time he would spend with her. He would talk about what he wanted to do with her and how he hoped she looked like me. I was a little surprised when we were dating, but I quickly began to play the game with him. He even got our then 7-year-old son in on the game and would ask him what he would do with her when she was born. Our son became extremely involved in the game and started to ask for certain things for her. He would ask us to play the game before we went to bed at night.

After our marriage we moved to another town and it took us a while to get settled. It took him longer to find work than we anticipated and it drew against some of our savings. This definitely disheartened him and made him a little depressed. However, we emerged and are quite comfortable now. When I began to talk about our plan, he would avoid me and change the subject. We had some severe arguments as he told me he changed his mind. I was devastated for a while. I had really begun to plan in my mind how I wanted my later life to look. He was taking that away from me. I felt he was being selfish. I know that is scared and I try to get him to talk about it so we can alleviate his fear, but he will have no part of it.

I now feel more distant from him and even have trouble believing anything he says about our future, because I just do not feel anything he has explained to me justifies the betrayal for not only me but also our son. Our son asks us at least once a week when the baby would be here, and I just don't have the heart to tell him it was all a lie. I try to tell him that we are still thinking about it and we are not so sure it is a good idea now. Even the slightest mention of not having a little sister sends him into tears and full upset. My husband cannot tolerate it and berates him for blubbering. He says he is too big to get upset like that. I think he is expressing this betrayal the way I do.

I am getting older and feel this is my last opportunity to have a child and really want to turn this around before it is too late. But, I don’t know how to handle it. I have tried to convince him we need counseling over this, but he says he loves me more than life and nothing is wrong with our relationship. He thinks I should accept the reality of our situation and our life will settle back into normalcy. Is he right? Am I asking too much and should let it go forever? It saddens me to think this. I don't know how to go on. Sphere: Related Content

2 comments:

  1. Oh boy do I know how you feel! Your post really struck a cord with me because I have been in the same situation for my entire 10 year marriage. I love my husband very much and know that he is my perfect companion. He does so much for me, is there emotionally, supports me physically and spiritually yet there is one big problem. When we were dating and contemplating marriage we often talked about what we wanted out of life and from each other. Eventually, the conversation turned to children; whether to have them or not. After carefully weighing the pros and cons we decided we would leave the option open for discussion after marriage. We got engaged and married and began a life together. 3 years into the marriage, my maternal instinct began to awaken and I approached my husband to talk about if and when we should start a family. Much to my shock and horror, he clammed up and refused to talk about it. For the next few years he refused me ANY conversation about it. Eventually a few years later. he said he had decided that he didn't want to have any kids and that was his final decision! I cried, fought, screamed, and begged all to no avail. It is now ten years later and he still refuses me all conversation about kids. I can be watching something about babies on tv and he gets quiet and just waits for it to be over. If I see someone elses child and comment about how cute it is he just clams up hoping I won't "Start again". I totally relate to you when you say you feel betrayed. I love him so much but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for betraying me and robbing me of something so very important to the life of a woman. For him to make up his mind without even consulting or considering my feelings has made me question the very strength of his character. Please know that I too understand and feel your pain. I have decided to post this anonymously because it is so very personal and not even my friends and family are aware of the situation. I wish you peace and acceptance as I strive to find the same. :(

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  2. So, how's the blogging coming along?

    Peace and Love

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